Mother

Having two weeks off of school is a blessing (which is saying a lot, because I really hate using the word blessing).  I am taking the time to stop obsessing about my 8th graders and how much they hate me, relax about lesson plans (I really shouldn't), and spend time with my ever-learning 19-month-old.

Ah, my daughter.

I am a mother.  Have you caught on yet that it still creeps me out a little, me being a mother?

It does.

Today I have been thinking about how there are many types of mothers, even though society tends to focus on just two: the stay-at-home mom and the working mom.

I am so thankful (ugh, thankful) to be a working mom.  I have no idea what to do with JG when we're home and I'm pretty sure watching more than 3-4 hours of PBS kids is not healthy for her developing brain.  She even asks for Elmo, and I cringe every time.

Having the ability to go to work and to challenge myself personally is so necessary for me.  At home I commonly fall into the shame-spiral - as my friend MCB calls it - where I get stuck watching TV and procrastinating things I would like to do, but can't figure out how to get the friggen TV to turn off by itself and myself motivated.

I basically turn into a fat lump on the couch.  I have found myself watching JG playing and me feeling sorry for myself for not entertaining her like a good stay-at-home mom would.

I know it sounds strange, but I have a hard time leaving the house when I'm home for more than a few days.  I am prone to anxiety.  So, today, I wanted to leave, but had a really hard time justifying the reasons, or figuring out where to go.  The sad thing is that I know my reasoning is flawed, and I know that it's silly to have an anxiety attack about doing what I want to do, but I can't help it.

So, thank you Daycare for existing and doing a much better job at teaching JG songs and dances, colors and more.  I like being the person who cuddles with her, kisses her little face, and giving her whatever other affection she may need.  I miss her during the week, but she loves going to daycare and her teachers are awesome, and I love benefitting from their hard work.

You could say I am the type of working mother who would like to be a good SAHM, but just isn't.  I'm not sure I'm capable of handling it emotionally.  Which is why I will be enrolling JG in some dance classes this summer, so we can have something to look forward to and I can feel less like a failure.

Don't I just make you so excited to have your own?