Daycare

A couple days ago I called my mom and asked her to go to a daycare open house with me so I could check it out.  I told her that she asks really great questions and that would help a lot, especially since I always freeze up in those types of situations.

I told her the truth, but there was definitely another reason for asking her to come along.  I needed the support of having my mommy there while I checked out the potential place my baby may be going to for 40 hours a week.

It's very freaky.

I know I talked big, saying I can't wait to hand her off to someone else, but as the school year approaches I'm starting to dread it.  Not that I don't get frustrated on a daily basis with caring for my stubborn and brave girl.  Oh.  Man.

But, I'm starting to realize how much time during the week I will not be spending with her.  Forty hours or more.  My mornings will be spent racing to get us both ready to leave the house, making sure I have everything she needs and what I need, and verifying that I have indeed done my hair and put all of my makeup on (because I occasionally forget the mascara).

I do have to look like an adult when I leave the house.

Otherwise I have the potential to look like one of my students.  I'm a 100 lb. waif.  I am smaller than the majority of my students.

It's creepy.

And my nights will be swallowed with dinner, grading, and who knows what else.  I'm just hoping I'm not too busy or distracted to suffocate her with kisses and food.

Anyway.

My mom and I checked out the daycare today and it was awesome, however it will be my plan B if I have to be put on the wait list at another daycare.  The only thing going against it is that it's a bit out of the way in North Salt Lake, but it would only add about 10 minutes to my morning commute.  Which is nothing when I think of how much she liked it there.

We entered the toddler room and JG instantly wanted down so she could mingle and play with toys.  My child was fearless, touching, playing, riding, reading, she was out there and in the middle of it.

All the little boys ran up to her (okay, there were only three boys).  Like, oooh.

JG did not want to leave.

Seriously, it took two attempts to get her out of the room, and even then I had to really hold her the second time.  And outside of the toddler room she walked around (because she is doing a lot of that now) like she owned the place.

If she does go there I am confident she will learn and enjoy herself.  I am just so anxious about being away from her, but I'm not sure if she will miss me.

Maybe that's what worries me?

Pass/Fail

Motherhood is all about passing and failing, either your parenting method works, or it doesn't.  This past week Alex and I have had to change some things around, especially since we were failing more than we were comfortable with.

So, how did we do?

First test:  JG's screaming fits.

You may remember reading about me pulling my hair out while JG threw fits, and me being entirely clueless as to what action to take.

So, Alex gets home Tuesday night and JG is still being a terror.  We both stare at her in frustration, and I let her scream while I make dinner and Alex deals with her.  While we're eating dinner, JG is just rambling along around us and Alex gives her a bit of curry off his fork.  She eats it, goes back to her thing, and then comes back for more.  And more, and more.

My child does not eat.  We have been wrestling with this for months, and her doctor emphasized that I should be feeding her more fatty foods, like butter (which she can't have because of the bloody poop it results in).  I have tried to feed her many things, and the majority of the time she simply refuses, which leads to her being more hungry and results in her being severely irritable.

Thus: screaming fits of hungry rage.

Until this breakthrough.  Surprisingly enough, as a one-year-old she is easily distracted and soon gets tired and irritated of sitting in her high chair.  Most of the food on her tray goes to the dogs.  However, if I allow her to go about her business and then take the opportunity to shove food in her mouth as she comes near me, SHE EATS!  And, she eat enough that I am flabbergasted and a bit humiliated that I didn't think of this before.

This is our new routine: I will carry some type of food with me, say hot cereal, and I will offer some to her as she plays and comes near me.  I refuse to chase after her with the food, she does have to wander back over to me to get some, but happily for me she returns to me at regular intervals and eventually eats enough to satisfy my need for her to be stuffed with food at all times (as is the drive in most mothers, commonly labeled as "food pushing").

This morning she ate a bunch of Cheerios, some pancake, and she drank some hypoallergenic formula (we are gradually starting the weaning process) and some Odwalla strawberry superfood.

I give us a PASS on this test, excuse me while I pat myself on the back.


Second test: SLEEP.

As mentioned above JG is easily distracted, and this crosses over to her nap and bed times.  Nursing her to sleep has turned into a process where I just get frustrated and want to lock her in the closet, and in the end she gets what she wants: she gets to stay up with us.

And I don't get the two hours I normally get to spend with my husband at night.

Since Alex didn't see the closet solution working out for us (and probably resulting in child welfare knocking at our door) he deemed it time to put the crib back together.  Because, as odd as it may sound to you, I was nursing her to sleep in her crib, and we had replaced one gate side with a guard rail.  It made it easier for me to get out... and, unfortunately, easier for her to get out as well.

So on Saturday we put JG to bed in her crib and let her cry for five minutes, check on her, and on for 45 minutes until she passed out in the sitting position.  Chin presses against her chest, body leaning forward, and legs sprawled in front of her.  Alex eased her back, calmed her down again, and she was out.

Success?  Time-wise, yes, it's been taking me two hours to get her to sleep, and most of that is spent trying to get her to lay down at all.  Nap time she cries for about 10 minutes, and bed time is more like 40, and listening to her cry feels like razor blades dancing in my skull... but I am relieved not have to fight with her to get her to fall asleep.

I mean, it's still sort of like fighting... but I feel like I'm more on the winning side.  The mean winning side, because it seems a bit unfair.  But, what in life is 100% fair?

Pass or fail?  I think it's a little of both.  I'm not a big fan of letting her cry herself to sleep, but her negotiating skills (yes, google it, toddlers negotiate like crazy) are getting to the point where I want her to know that when I say "bed time" I mean it.

I am, however, still sleeping her her room when she wakes up in the middle of the night.  Why?

When was the last time you woke up at two in the morning and had to comfort someone back to sleep and then go back to your own room and comfort yourself back to sleep?  It's just easier to comfort together.  Plus, this is a weaning process for both of us.  Sadly enough, I sleep better in her room than I do my own, but I am now going to bed in my own room first.

Small steps, man, small steps.

A dark yearning

Okay.

I have to admit something.

I was watching Ellen the other day.  And, whilst watching Ellen, where she had sent a viewer to the Grammy's gift tent, I saw a pair of shoes that I'm not sure I cannot live without.


Seriously.


Now, I have a couple things to say before I show you the shoes.  First off, I don't believe that buying things will fill some empty chasm in my soul.  I know better.  For that reason I have forsaken buying new clothes whilst being a stay-at-home-mom (I mean, really, my uniform is sleep pants and a sweat shirt, it's HOT and practical).  And, when I eventually get a job, I've made rules as to what professional clothes I can buy and how much.  I don't need a huge wardrobe, just enough so that my students don't make fun of me.  I want them to make fun of me for who I am, not for what I'm wearing.... (Mainly because I remember some of my high school teachers who wore the same thing week after week.)

Secondly, these shoes are on the edge of being horrendously ugly.  And that is exactly how I like my shoes.  I want to be able to pass people and have their faces contort as if asking, "Why God, why make such shoes that make me feel as if I'm going to be smothered by a group of tiny mouth-breathing toe-biters?"

Okay, I doubt that's what they'd really think, but it would put a smile on my face if it did.

And, thirdly, these shoes LIGHT UP.  YES!  You know, like the shoes you see little kids running around in?  YES!  I WANT THEM SO BADLY!

They also remind me of the LA Gear shoes I had when I was 11.  (But those were pretty, not ugly.)

Now, there are two colors I'm trying to decide between (for that other dimension where I can buy anything on impulse) - gold and red.  I'm leaning a bit more towards the gold, mainly because they say GAUDY so well, but the red ones are nice too.

I know, you're asking yourself why you ever bothered to read my blog in the first place.  But it's about to get better.

The gold ones have pink lights (in the heel!) and the red ones have red lights, of course.

Now can you see how crazy I am?  The kind of crazy that longs to spend $100 bucks on a pair of hideous gold shoes that have pink lights and light up with ever step I take?  I have to keep reminding myself I am going to be 30 next month, and are these really the type of shoes a 30 year-old would wear?









What?

I STILL want them...

Radio Lab is

Awesome. Listen to ALL them here.

I especially like the one on sperm. Don't think nasty, think opportunity and increased genetic spread. Something like that.

Also, the one on After Life is really very good, along with all the shorter story's after it. I am a tad obsessed with death (and zombies) and appreciated the look into what may or may not be there after we die. This one seemed less to do with science and more to do with hypothetical possibilities, but it still made me think.

Which is why I like listening to them so much.