Obligatory JGR Photo

I was told recently that I had to post more pictures of my fat baby.

This is for you.

My mom knit her that awesome hat.

And just think, her face is actually fatter than that now. Poor fat thing...

My child and my cat. My very patient cat.

I especially appreciate that instead of running away when she "pets" him (like any smart cat would do), he simply pushes her hands away.

Like, "Woah, there. WOAH."

And yes, she totally cuddles her spit rags.

She's four months old. Whatever fits in her mouth is a go for her.

Cat for sale!

Cat for sale! One diseased and pallid, neurotic and scaredy cat for sale!

Are you looking for an animal to hide when guests come over, to the point where they doubt his existence?

Would you like a cat who needs to visit the vet at least twice (if not more!) times a year for steroid shots? Why, Jesus even blessed him with some crazy kitty disease that allows some wart-like virus to attack his entire body! It's true folks, his foot swelled to FOUR TIMES the normal size and the hair fell out, making him look like he was dragging around some strange slimy red club with him! How delightful, who wouldn't want a cat with the ability to affect clubness/mutantness? And he won't stop licking it even though it won't heal if he continues?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I ask you how can you not see the value in befriending such an animal?

What's more, my friends open mouthed in the audience, who among you would shun this beautiful beast? He also has the ability to PUKE, that's right, puke, non-stop all over the house!

Couches? Covered! Carpets? Covered! Tabletops? Covered! Bedspread? Covered!

Blankets your child sleeps on? Covered!

Now, folks, it's not that bad, he has a simple allergy to cat food. Meaning, you may have to buy the $50 9 lb bag of rabbit and pea food (meaning it's made from rabbits, and peas), which this gorgeous grey and white animal still pukes up because he won't chew it.

And, one last thing, even though he's sick and wan, the expensive food is helping him feel better! Meaning he wants to be pet ALL THE TIME!

How can you deny such an animal!

Behold, the beast we have available for you to purchase today!

He'll even stay still long enough for your four-month-old to "pet" him. (Meaning she grabs clumps of his hair and pulls a little.) And even turns around so she can even pet the other side.

Wait... maybe I'll keep him.

Progress and Completion

As promised here are some photo's of what I've been doing crafty-wise. They're not great photo's, but I am pretty pleased with myself regarding the toys themselves.

Here's one Testy-Chicken, the other is on display at the Utah State Fair with a blue ribbon on him. That's right, I said BLUE-FREAKIN'-RIBBON. That means I just won myself three dollars. If you're going to the fair and want to see some of my hand-craftiness, he's in the Zion building sitting on top of Thomas the tank engine. He's blue and buggy. With a blue ribbon...

Anyway, I made these chickens thinking I could get the pattern figured out and make more to sell since I'm at home and penniless now... but they took me forever to make. Not just because I took my sweet time, but also because of all the embroidery. See?

That's called the "chain stitch." So, the price I came up with in my head to charge for one of these buggers is more than any sane person would want to pay, I'm sure. Therefore, I'm thinking I might make the pattern available for purchase. Does that sound interesting to anyone? Anyone interested in making a Testy Chicken?

Okay, and here is the doll I started making...oh, a year ago? I finally figured out a dress pattern (bigger than I thought it would be, but still in the shape of a dress) and feel like I'm making progress on making her look complete. What do you think?

(I really need better photo's, she looks really washed out here and... well, not as neat as I think she is. Maybe having a colorful dress on her will help.)

Oh, yeah, did I mention I'm a blue ribbon winner?

The Poop

It sneaks up and attacks you... or, er, JGR.

Having not spent too much of my life around babies up until four months ago the "blow out" diaper is something new for me. I had heard stories, about the nastiness, the copious amounts, the stains.

However, it is not until you have experienced such things yourself that the gravity of the "blow out" presents itself.

Case in point:

You would think that poo would be uni-directional, but you would be wrong.

Observe her onesie, you see that strange orange spot near her little hand?

Poop.

It went up BOTH directions, FRONT and BACK.

Doesn't she look so sweet whilst staining herself?

I let Alex clean up this one, which took three wipees to clean up. There was so much poo that the diaper was barely able to contain its nastiness, or, as you see, failed to contain it.

And that stuff stains like crazy... and I'm just lazy enough to not put the time into scrubbing the poo stains away. Alex has a technique that works, but I don't know what it is.

I keep telling her to not create so much poop, but she's not a very good listener.

Great pooper, good crier and eater, but not a good listener.

Babies.

A Summerfull of Events

It's so weird September is here. In May I kept thinking it would be a miracle if I made it through the summer, with all the newness I was encountering then.

Now it's freaking September.

I'm going to be boastful for a moment and say Holy Shit I accomplished a lot in the last (almost) four months:

1. Got my masters degree. Now, I want to note here that the only reason I have a masters degree is because I didn't know I wanted to be a teacher until a couple years ago, and had I known this way back when I was getting my undergrad degree in Communication, I would have gone into education.

However, I will admit that I benefit from having worked in an office. After working with teachers who didn't see the point of having technology in the classroom (what!?) I feel like my perspective is more rounded for my future students...

Whenever I get a teaching job. I guess only 30% of my grad class got jobs. Eh.

2. Gave birth. Mostly natural. I had two doses of Phentynol, a sweet-sweet opiate that helped me relax (which was huge, since I practically had a panic attack with every contraction - mainly hyperventilating) but did hardly anything for the pain. Also, once the pushing began, all drugs had worn off.

The entire process was exhausting, and I was only in labor for 12 hours. I have friends who were in labor for 24 hours.

3. Had anemia. Which SUCKED. I lost so much blood in labor (it happened afterward, with freakishly large blood clots... you don't want to know more than that) that I was given a choice - have blood transfusion or suck it up for six weeks. The idea of a transfusion made my skin crawl, so I spent six weeks shuffling around my house.

Seriously.

I would plan trips for going upstairs, carried iced water around with me like it was a warm blanket, had would have to rest mid-shower. Luckily, when babies are tiny they sleep a lot, so JGR wasn't too demanding during this time.

I hope to never have anemia again. It felt like being a 90-year-old epileptic lady who had to strap herself to a walker to get anywhere, and then had to ask for help CONSTANTLY. And was grumpy about it. And had to wear diapers.

4. Became a stay-at-home mom... for now. I used to think this would be the worst possible thing that could happen. Babies are so boring. I don't understand babies.

Luckily, I was blessed (my favorite baby book always says "blessed" when referring to a fussy baby) with a baby who is demanding, confusing, and un-freaking-predictable.

I realized a while ago that had we been given an "easy/good" baby I would be bored out of my mind.

5. Finished the Testy Chickens! I'll post pictures soon, but it will only be of one, since I entered the other into the Utah State Fair. If you happen by there you might be able to see it in the Zion building, with the other sewing stuff.

I was quite proud of myself.

Now I'm tired. Must to bed.

I've never laughed so hard

Just the product I've been waiting for...