Tight

Have you ever had the sense that the fabric you are made of is being pulled taught, and the more you move the more shallow your breath becomes?

It's strange, I was really looking forward to having a week off, having time to accomplish some of the random things that have been swimming around in my head...  but, I can't seem to jump start my head into going forward.  Instead it rummages deeper into the past and finds things that I am irritated about, things I have buried and/or thought I was over.

I am still mad at Westminster for the ONE teacher who treated me like a child.  I am angry at her for staining my experience, which up until that point was splendid.

I keep thinking about my grandmother and how much I miss her.  I'm not sure if I'm angry that she's gone, but I keep replaying this memory of when I was about 14 and she gave me this pair of dangly gold earrings.  She asked if I wanted them and emphasized that if I didn't that would be okay.  I looked that the earrings, which to me at 14 seemed gaudy and over-the-top, and told her no, I didn't want them.  My friend Courtney was there at the time and said she was amazed, she could never have said anything like that to her grandmother.  I thought Grandma didn't mind, but I noticed later in the day that her feelings were a little hurt.

To this day I feel guilty for hurting her feelings about something so trivial.  She never said anything, but she was the kind of woman who's eyes spoke novels, if you looked the right way.

I'm also irritated that I can't seem to spend any money.  I know.  Lame.  Every time I go to buy something I think I want the moment I take the action to purchase it I'm not interested anymore.  I'm like a balloon, all filled up with excitement at the thought of having something new, only to deflate when I realize that owning it wouldn't do me that much good.

What happened to the consumer inside me?  I still have that little voice that urges me to buy, but apparently it's being tempered with my budding buddhism, which says that such things are unnecessary for true happiness.

It's true, but I'm 30!  I AM THIRTY, and I have this selfish need to gift myself something (sort of like a pat on the back) for the amazing year I've had: masters degree, baby, SAHM, job, other stuff.  I just can't think of what that gift should be, or when I do I don't want it anymore.  Take that capitalism!

And JG has been keeping me up all night.  She wiggles and whimpers and cries and refuses to let me sleep on my own.  I'm not sure how to rectify the situation, I know that she's miserable because of teething, but when we're both miserable the next day due to little sleep no one is the better for it.

Poor Alex, he the one having to deal with all of this.